5 Minute Therapies: Family – Sibling Relationships

We continue our focus on relationships and our need for human connection; And, this is the second of our articles on family relationships. This time out we bring our focus to sibling relationships.

Research has shown that just having a sibling is linked to an increased positive effect on our feelings. I wonder how you feel about that statement…?

Though this statement is true, I wonder how you feel it fits with your experience.

Maybe your relationship with your siblings is great and you are the best of friends, feel a deep connection with them and reap the rewards of that relationship. Then again, maybe your relationship is dysfunctional or has completely broken down – Around 5% of siblings have no contact whatsoever and remain completely cut off from each other. Another way of saying that is 1 in 20 – So think about 20 people you know. Chances are that at least one of them has no contact with a sibling. It’s a minority, but it’s also quite common.

Whatever your situation, your relationships with your siblings will lay somewhere on the spectrum between a positive & a negative experience. How do you identify where you are on that spectrum?

There are a couple of ways of thinking about this:

Firstly, and perhaps most importantly, how do you feel about your relationship? This is our experience as you feel and perceive it.

Secondly, some of us aren’t sure what is healthy & what isn’t so it might help to look at some signs of dysfunctionality.

If we begin with noting how we can identify the signs of a toxic or dysfunctional sibling relationship: Your Sibling Relationship is Characterised by…

1. Manipulation or feeling manipulated.
2. Excessive criticism.
3. Blame.
4. A lack of remorse.
5. Always feeling tired when around a sibling.
6. Betrayals of confidence.
7. Undermining of other relationships.
8. Ignoring or ostracising behaviours.
9. A sense that your growth is being inhibited.
10. Excessive use of, or over the top banter.
11. Changing your behaviour around siblings.
12. Your sibling focuses on your perceived weaknesses.
13. Demanding things of you.
14. Hypocrisy.

So, how do we deal with a toxic sibling relationship?

Well, the first thing to do, of course, is to identify whether or not you have a toxic or dysfunctional relationship with your sibling. Despite the above list, the first thing you should refer to is your feelings when you are with them or thinking of siblings. If you experience negative feelings, perhaps anxiety or find yourself inclined to behave differently around them, such as wanting to withdraw from their presence, irritation, or confrontational then it is worth taking a step back and asking yourself if this happens regularly when you are around them or think of them. If the answer to that is Yes, then there are several options:

1. First, work on You. This is about exploring why you feel this way. Don’t jump to conclusions or get drawn into blame. In particular, blame will unlikely achieve anything helpful. Instead, develop a greater understanding of why you feel as you do. As you begin to develop your understanding you will increasingly be in a better position to decide what to do next; If, indeed, you want to do anything at all.
2. Option 1: Consider working on developing the relationship you have with your sibling. For example, a discussion with them about your feelings, thoughts, your experience of the relationship you share and consider their experiences, too. You may be able to develop a deeper understanding of each other and grow from there, together.
3. Option 2: Of course, there is always the nuclear option. That is to suspend your involvement in that relationship. Unfortunately there are times when we just have to admit that some people are just toxic for us and being around them, for whatever reason, is just not good for us. If the relationship can’t be resolved and the ongoing toxicity is too much for you, then your best option may be to withdraw from that relationship.
4. Option 3: Do nothing & continue as before.

Common reasons for dysfunctional family relationships include:

1. Money. There are often feelings of disproportionate treatment, particularly where money & family support, borrowing & lending are concerned. Prevention is always better than cure and this situation is no different. It will help to put agreements down in writing, such as Wills where bequests are concerned; Set clear boundaries such as making it clear what you will & won’t tolerate, and be transparent when necessary & appropriate. For example, there is no need to share all the details of your personal finances with others but letting people know what you want to happen to your property after you pass is a good idea.
2. Caregiving. Accidents, illness & age may necessitate caregiving. It is common for some family members to feel that they are either shouldering to great a share of the burden, or perhaps feel like they are being frozen out, maybe that thoughts and opinions on how care should administered are not given enough respect. In such circumstances it may help to be clear about your needs as a caregiver and family member; Explore the limitations in the ability of others to provide caregiving support, and be open to each others needs.
3. New Family Members. Occasionally people enter & leave the family and when this happens the family dynamic can change. As people begin and end relationships, partners are added or removed from the family unit but these can also result in siblings withdrawing from the family unit. Such changes must be expected and accepted for a successful transition in that dynamic. Where resistance to change exists, tension will grow. It will be helpful to focus on common interests and each others positives as a means of relationship building.
4. Political &/or Religious Differences. Such differences have always existed within family units and remain incredibly common. They are exacerbated where closed mindedness is a characteristic of family members who can be deeply resistant to ideas that are contrary to their own world views. These can be extremely hard to break down particularly when someone has lost sight of the difference between personal opinion & fact. In such circumstances, appeal to logic & rationality will probably be of little help. Instead, it will help to work on the relationship by identifying other useful conversations, avoiding generalisations, understanding the human aspect of others’ values, and take preventative measures like being mindful of jokes, and knowing when to leave arguments before they get too heated.
5. Longstanding or unresolved family issues. These issues are very much about the shared history of family members which may have left someone or some people feeling aggrieved. Here, it may help to try to have open conversations about any issues you feel are unresolved instead of holding on to them, allowing them to ferment and surface during times of frustration, for example. It will also help if you can be empathetic with other family members who hold a longstanding issue. You don’t have to agree with their take on things but you can at least try to understand how each other are feeling.

If you would like to talk, BroadMinds Therapy offer a free consultation during which you’ll get the opportunity to describe what’s on your mind & we’ll be happy to help you, either directly, or help identify the best options for you.

If you’d like to discuss Counselling & Psychotherapy for yourself or someone you know, contact BroadMinds Therapy and we’ll be happy to answer any questions you have and discuss options for you. Call 0899420568, email: help@broadmindstherapy.org , contact us via this website or visit our facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/jpbroad

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As always, thanks for taking the time to read this article.