In the final 2 posts on tier 3 of the hierarchy of needs we’ve been referring to we will tackle the often thorniest of our relationships and connections: That of family. I will divide this up into 2 article. The first will cover parent/child relationships and the second article, which will follow next week, will cover sibling relationships.
Parent/Child relationships are the most important relationships we will probably ever have. That may seem a controversial statement for some and may even draw a sharp intake of breath and a shake of the head. But, here’s why we think that..
From the moment we are conceived and for the greater part of the next 2 decades we are completely dependent on our primary care givers, usually our parents. We rely on them for food, shelter, clothing, love & support, among a great many other things. Their contribution to our lives has existential implications – if we are neglected or abused, healthy development and making it to adulthood & independence becomes much harder.
Reliance on parents for meeting our basic needs is obvious. Less obvious is the need for unconditional love & support and good parenting. Over the last 70 years our understanding of the influence of parent/child bonds in child development and over the last 30 years our understanding of the impact of poor parenting, abuse & neglect on child development, both physical & mental, has improved immensely.
It is now absolutely clear & indisputable that our early childhood experiences can profoundly affect our mental health throughout childhood & adulthood.
About 1 in 10 children struggle with their mental health in one way or another, including issues like conduct disorders but also issues that you may usually think of as adult issues like depression & anxiety disorders.
By the time children reach their teenage years that figure has increased to 1 in 5, increasing to 1 in 4 in adulthood. Staggeringly, 70% of children who have mental health issues do not get sufficient care & support to deal with their mental health problems.
It follows that effective care & support during childhood & adolescence could play a huge role in reducing levels of mental illness later in life.
To help, I encourage families to negotiate a deal or a contract to outline what they can expect of each other.
The upside is that a well-negotiated & drafted deal highlights exactly what’s expected of everyone in the home and encourages children to take responsibility in meeting the commitments that they have made.
The potential downside is that if the adults don’t adhere to the contract it can undermine the whole process and with it, a child’s understanding of what commitments & responsibilities actually mean.
In other words, if you do a deal with the kids, you must be prepared to stick to it yourself. So, choose wisely.
Here are my recommendations for inclusion in that contract:
- Respect:
- We will talk to each other calmly, without raised voices.
- We will not call each other names or use bad language.
- We will take turns when talking and not talk over each other.
- We will give each other the time & space needed to relax in peace.
- We will respect each others needs to work and play.
- Be supportive:
- We will try to be kind to ourselves & each other.
- We will do our best to understand each other.
- We will contribute to keeping our home safe, clean & tidy.
- We will stick to the agreed family rules.
- We will make time for spending with the family.
- We will spend no more than an agreed amount of screen-time each day. (Consider negotiating screen-free times such as during dinner and evenings).
- Responsibility:
- We will try to be positive as much as possible.
- We will be thankful.
- We will focus on the environment we are in.
- We will identify realistic expectations of ourselves & each other.
- We will organise & plan our days & weeks and try our best to stick to those plans.
- We will stick to the rules we have agreed on and agree to discuss if we think they need to change.
- Care:
- We will take care ourselves, doing our best to stay clean, healthy & safe.
- We will share our thoughts & feelings with each other. Especially if we feel sad or lonely.
- We agree that knowing when to ask for help is a strength, not a weakness, and we will ask for help when needed.
- We will stick to the rules where ever we are.
This family contract or deal is just a template that you can adapt to your own family needs. It serves to provide you with some basic principles for drafting something that could work for you & your family. By outlining your commitments to yourself & each other it can serve to strengthen family bonds.
However, I can’t stress enough the importance of everyone sticking to the deal. We cannot expect our children to respect any deal if we don’t also commit to it ourselves.
As I’ve said in previous & recent articles, family dynamics & helping our children get back to school after the summer holidays aren’t in themselves mental health issues, but they can have a huge impact on our mental health. Finding more effective ways to manage those factors & transitions can be very helpful in managing our mental well-being.
If you would like to talk, BroadMinds Therapy offer a free consultation during which you’ll get the opportunity to describe what’s on your mind & we’ll be happy to help you, either directly, or help identify the best options for you.
If you’d like to discuss Counselling & Psychotherapy for yourself or someone you know, contact BroadMinds Therapy and we’ll be happy to answer any questions you have and discuss options for you. Call 0899420568, email: help@broadmindstherapy.org , contact us via this website or visit our facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/jpbroad
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As always, thanks for taking the time to read this article.
Integrative Counselling And Psychotherapy 