“It wasn’t always like this…” I always find it so sad when I hear an individual say something like this when talking about their relationship. It speaks of a yearning for a time when the love that people once shared made life wonderful & fulfilling. And yet, somewhere along the way, it began to slip from their grasp. So how did it all go wrong? I hope this might help some of you learn from the experiences of others and help those of you already struggling to find a way forward with your love.
First Up – The Basics: I always like to start things by managing expectations. So, this post focuses on relationships between 2 (or more) consenting adults – The kind we normally associate with loving couples. Of course, there are other forms of relationships, too, like parent & child, but I feel like some of these warrant some special attention of their own so these will be dealt with separately.
Of course, you are always free to contact me with any questions you have about these types of relationships, in the meantime.
What are the typical relationship problems I see presented in my therapy room? Let me reassure you that, although there is a lot of commonality, each situation & set of individuals concerned tends to have a unique set of circumstances and some relationship types will also have dynamics that are more prevalent than in others. For example, loose relationships – the ‘friends with benefits’ type – will have a different set of dynamics to couples involved in more long-term relationships.
So let’s get started outlining the types of relationship problems between adult partners I often see in practice: I often hear couples or individuals describe how their relationship is “such a mess when everybody else seems to be getting on just fine!” Let me reassure you that nothing could be further from the truth. Although Ireland has one of the lowest divorce rates in Europe, around 1 in every 4 couples go their separate ways. People are very good at presenting a picture of harmony & happiness to the outside world while behind the closed doors things are much more challenging.
Most common relationship problems include:
1. Inequitable Relationships. In other words, relationships where individuals may feel that the relationship is unbalanced; The perception of one or both parties feeling like they are putting in more effort or sustaining more cost than their partner. Typical examples might include:
a). The individuals aren’t at a similar stage in their relational development – In other words, if one person is ready for commitment but the other is still busy sampling what works for them with a partner, there could be trouble ahead. This might result in something like an individual having affairs while the other is committed to an exclusive relationship.
b). Our drive for Satiation may lead us to seek out partners & relationships that offer rewards that we feel we are personally deficient in. For example, if we feel a constant need for affection & approval, rather than look to reconcile these drives ourselves we choose a partner who fulfils that need. On the face of it that might sound like a good idea but actually it can cause us to behave in ways that are personally destructive.
c). A common complaint involves people behaving in ways aimed at manipulating a partner to behave in approved ways. For example, when your partner is constantly cross with you or overly critical in order to get you to do something in ways they approve of, effectively inhibiting your ability to make your own decisions or do things your own way.
2. Where one or all individuals involved are perceived to fail to prioritise the relationship.
3. Where anger, rage or frustration characterise communication.
4. Infidelity – Where affairs are a factor. 20% of men & 13% of women confess to having been unfaithful to their partner… But these are just the ones that confess!
5. Sexual issues are incredibly common among couples, even those in healthy relationships. Between 15 & 20% of couples report that their marriage is completely sexless & over 90% of couples believe there’s room for improvement in the bedroom.
6. Abuse, including violence as well as emotional & psychological. COSC quote the following stats (See: http://www.cosc.ie/en/COSC/Pages/WP09000005) but these statistics were published before the pandemic and, as you will see, that has had a dramatic effect on reports of domestic abuse.
• 15% of women & 6% of men suffer severe domestic abuse. Over the course of the last 2 years, with various lockdown measures putting relationships under strain, rates of domestic abuse being reported have soared. Globally, the World Health Organisation reported a rise of 20%. Women’s Aid have reported a 39% increase in calls to their helpline while Men’s Aid reported a 100% increase in calls.
• 29% of women & 26% of men suffer domestic abuse when severe abuse & minor incidents are combined.
• 13% of both men & women suffer physical abuse or minor physical incidents.
• 29% of women & 5% of men report these incidents to the Gardai.
I think it’s worth mentioning at this point that no matter how healthy you think your relationship is, there is always work to be done to maintain it. But if you do find yourself in unhappy circumstances, I hope these facts & figures offer you some consolation in helping you to realise that you are not alone in your experience and offer you hope that help is available. The contact details for specialist organisations in this field are as follows:
Women’s Aid Ireland 24/7 helpline: 1800 341 900
Men’s Aid Ireland helpline: 01 554 3811
Women’s Aid UK: Visit www.womensaid.org.uk
Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327
Of course, if you are in any danger or need immediate help call the emergency services by dialling 999.
Working on your relationship has the potential to transform how we connect & live together. However, it would also be prudent of me to point out that help with your relationship may not necessarily mean that your relationship survives & thrives. Sometimes separation is the best outcome and one that only you & your partner can determine.
If you would like to talk about this or any other mental health issue feel free to get in touch either by calling 0899420568 or email help@broadminsdtherapy.org or use the contact us link.
As always, thanks for taking the time to read this article. Please remember to like, follow & share if you like what you read.
Take care & stay safe.
Integrative Counselling And Psychotherapy 