The kids are probably getting very excited. Parents & adults are probably a little stressed out trying to deliver the perfect Christmas or find the perfect gift. And all the while, stress can build and a great opportunity gently passes by.
Christmas presents many of us with a rare opportunity in our year when we can pause for a moment and take a look within ourselves. A quiet moment to give ourselves a gift: The gift of time & attention.
Christmas can be very challenging even for the most organised people with realistic plans. Not only is there an additional financial burden at this time of year, there is great pressure on our relationships, whether they be with family & friends, or our partners.
In fact, there is a great deal of statistical data showing that more relationships falter over the Christmas period than any other time of year. How do we deal with that and, indeed, should we?
The question is worth asking because many people hold on to toxic relationships for all sorts of reasons, despite the misery and distress these often cause. It’s not our place to decide which relationships are worth saving – Only you can make that decision. But, suffice to say, that sometimes the best way forward is to move beyond those toxic relationships.
So, where do we start when thinking about relationships?
Well, we always advise clients to start where you are.
What do we mean by that? Start with how you feel, right here & now, in the present moment. It’s great if you have a clear idea of what you want from a relationship but before you can truly attempt to achieve that, you need a clear idea of where you are.
We encourage couples to attempt the following, at first independently of each other, but bringing together their work towards the end of the exercise when indicated below. It is important that this exercise doesn’t become a point-scoring opportunity.
Relationship Inventory
Many companies use this time of year to perform an inventory of their stocks. You can also do this with your relationships. Start by drawing up a list with 2 columns: One column for the positive & constructive things that characterise your relationship, and another column for the things you feel are missing, unwanted or unhelpful in your relationship.
You can keep this list simple if you want to but we encourage people to elaborate it by grading the things that appear in your list. For example, you might say that your partner is very loving (9/10) in column one, but in column two you note that they can also be very irritable (7/10). The grade in each column quantifies that characteristic or factor.
Relationship See-Saw
Now that you have your items listed & according values, draw a see-saw, the kind of thing you would find in a children’s play area, and apply the combined values from column one to one end and the combined values from column two at the other end.
How well does the see-saw balance? Is one end pointing skywards while the other points into the ground? If that’s the case then this highlights a sense of imbalance in the relationship.
Naturally, the next question is do you want things to change to address any imbalance?
Rag Your Inventory
Ragging is a technique used to highlight items on a list with an according urgency. For Example: Red = Urgent, Amber = Needs attention soon but not urgent, Green = May need attention but OK for now.
Refer to the items in column two of your list and code them Red, Amber & Green. This can help focus minds on the things that need attention immediately. This can also help identify the red lines – The things that you can no longer tolerate and must change for your relationship to be fulfilling. It may well be that if your red lines aren’t addressed you need to consider the viability of the relationship. As such, coding something red may not be the right way to express minor irritations. For example, you may find it irritating when your partner leaves their dirty clothes on the bedroom floor.. OK, it’s ‘irritating’ but is it really a red line issue?
Collaborate & Communicate
Once you have completed the above steps it’s time to bring together your lists with your partner and use them to focus your minds on the things that you both feel need your attention.
Remember that relationships are a partnership. It’s a teamwork game that depends on both individuals making a full contribution. This means that you should not only attend to the things on your lists that you have both identified, but also the things that only one of you have identified. If one of you has a problem, both of you have a problem.
Communication here is the key:
Once we’ve identified those elements you feel could be better, we can explore each one in more depth. But all this starts with you taking the time to pay a little more attention to yourself, to your experience of life, and consider how content you are in life.
To help with effective communication I refer here to an earlier BroadMinds article that can help avoid some common mistakes when trying to communicate:
1. Failure to communicate at all: Some couples literally just don’t talk at all about their problems. This might be because one or both individuals avoid talking about problems altogether or draw red lines around topics they simply won’t discuss. For example, some couples find it difficult to talk to each other about sex so they just avoid the subject. This includes:
• Not truly listening to your partner.
• Avoiding difficult conversations.
The key here is to understand why certain things can’t be talked about. Where these red-lines exist, there is likely some kind of defence mechanism: The individual doesn’t have to confront their feelings or anxieties if they deny the problem exists or refuse to approach it. These issues aren’t easily resolved and may need professional help to penetrate the defences which are in place to protect the individual concerned. However, often the problem here is that if the individual won’t admit there’s a problem how do you get them to seek professional help..?
2. Poor quality communication: This takes several forms including:
• Talking without really saying anything: Individuals talk about anything & everything but the things that matter. This may be similar to the above situation in which the communication style is a defence mechanism but it may also reflect a lack of awareness of an individuals’ own & relationship needs.
• Conflict & confrontation: When this happens communication is either breaking down or has already broken down. Conflict & confrontation are not necessarily bad – they can communicate our frustration & irritation but things can break down quite quickly if we’re not careful.
When we communicate in this way, the defence mechanisms of all parties involved are raised and little of any message gets through. Our ability receive & transmit messages is severely hampered and the decisions we make in response to those messages are also inhibited. In short, we communicate better & make better decisions when we are calm. The old adage about taking a step back, taking a few deep breaths & counting to ten can really help with this.
• It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it: Quite often the message we’re trying to get across is full of good intention but the way we say it means we simply rub our partner up the wrong way. It can be the difference between: “I’m not in a good mood today. Probably best if you just leave me be” and “F*** off!”.
• Assuming you know the message before your partner finishes: It seems like a good strategy to win an argument but actually it can mean that you miss the actual message being communicated; And, if your focus is on competition when it comes to arguments, you may win the argument but the relationship may lose.
• Interrupting the speaker: It’s not only considered rude but it undermines your chances of being heard, yourself. After all, why should your partner patiently hear you out if you won’t offer them the same opportunity?
• Using ‘You’ statements rather than ‘I’: This often happens when we blame others for how we feel. For example: “You made me feel this way” instead of “When you do that, I feel terrible”.
• Reacting emotionally: When we do this we often say things we don’t mean which is another way of saying that we have communicated something we didn’t mean to communicate. It’s hard to see how any message can be received accurately if it is not communicated accurately.
• Being subtle or indirect often results in the message not getting through.
• Calling people names or insulting them. As you can imagine, the second you do this you likely activate the defence mechanism in your partner and that will only make communication harder. Sometimes therapists call communication ‘transactions’- A term for an exchange of messages between people.
There are a few simple models that I can briefly explain to you that can help you communicate a little better. I’ll cut through all the theory & jargon & summarise this in 2 diagrams and a brief explanation.
1. In the first diagram you see 2 columns of circled letters, P, A, & C. These stand for parent, adult & child. When we communicate we talk from one of these positions, or states of mind. When we communicate in a complimentary way, communication is usually good. For example, if I address you adult-to-adult and you do the same in return, the chances of successful communication are improved.
2. In the second diagram the communication styles are crossed. For example if I politely enquire as to how you are today and you impatiently tell me to mind my own business, effective communication is more likely to break down.
So if we use this simple model to think about how talk to each other we can learn to communicate more effectively.
So this week I have a short & sweet message for you:
When all is quiet in the house, And nought is stirring, Not even a mouse, Take the time to look within, And let the self-reflection begin.
And, finally on this point I would encourage all couples to consider getting some professional help with their relationship. It’s often the case couples wait until there are chronic problems in the relationship before seeking out help and even then, it’s often one party in the relationship that wants to engage with help while the other is sceptical & reluctant.
Getting professional help can be a bit like maintaining your car. If you service it regularly, take good care of it & attend to maintenance regularly, you improve your chances of avoiding a breakdown. I hope that this
If you need help with your mental health over the festive period BroadMinds Therapy are open every day apart from Christmas Day, Boxing Day/St Stephen’s Day & New Years Day.
Feel free to contact us at anytime using the following details:
Web: www.broadmindstherapy.org Phone: (+353) 0899420568 Email: help@broadmindstherapy.org
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As ever, take care of yourselves & each other. And… thank you for taking the time to read this article.
Integrative Counselling And Psychotherapy 