Where Do I Begin?

I see a lot of messages on social media saying things like:

If you ever need to talk, my door is always open

Anonymous & many!

I often wonder how the authors would react to a 3am phone call from one of our more obscure ‘friends’ on social media, struggling with a genuine issue.

Never the less, it echoes the greeting “Hi, how are ya?”. It seems to me that no matter where you are in world, this gets asked in some form or another, as a disposable greeting.

By ‘disposable’ I mean, we ask it but most of the time we don’t really want a genuine answer to the question. There’s a part of us that just wants the other person to say something like “Well, thank you!” so that we can tick the pleasantries box and comfort ourselves with the knowledge that we at least asked someone how they are; All the while thanking God they had the good manners to actually limit the exchange of truth.

Although we may secretly hope for nothing more than a comforting illusory confirmation that things are OK for each other, it does belie the notion that one of the keys to managing our mental health is through conversation – For the most part, we want each other to be OK so we ask, albeit a little surreptitiously, for reassurance.

I’m not going to ask you to stop asking questions like “How are you?” because, well… you’re not going to do that. But if we are really interested in how someone is then I suggest we refine the question.

We can facilitate these conversations by introducing a little more structure to our conversations:

Environment: Think about where you are asking the question. Environments like the queue at the supermarket or a public online space don’t necessarily lend themselves well to these types of conversations. People usually like privacy when talking about personal matters and that is often in short supply in social settings like those above. Consider asking a question like Would you like to go for a quiet coffee?”.

You are deliberately trying to switch the environment to one that is more conducive to open & honest conversation – One that you both feel more comfortable in.

Individual: Consider the needs and preferences of the individual you want to talk to, and respect them. We’re not trying to force anyone to talk about things they don’t want to. Secondly, don’t assume that because they don’t want to talk today, that means they don’t want to talk at all. Let them know that you are ready to listen if & when they want to talk and don’t be afraid to ask if they mind you checking in on them from time to time.

Topic: Sometimes there are things that people just don’t want to talk about. Consider the details of a suicide or instance of abuse. The individual concerned may not wish to revisit those details and we should respect that. Again, we can simply let them know that if & when they want to talk about those things then we’re ready to listen.

Timing: Let’s face it.. We’re not always ready to talk about the things on our minds all the time. Sometimes we need a break from our struggles and just want to talk about something else to take our minds off it, for a change. So, again, we need to respect what people are willing to discuss and when they want to discuss it.

If you really want to know how someone is at any moment in time simply ask a more focused and refined question that leaves the recipient in no doubt about what you are asking. Something, like How are you coping since losing your Mother? Although it may seem a little forward, it indicates that you are aware of a potential source of distress and it carries the implicit message that you value them enough to care.

A final but very important piece of advice on this is, I hope, quite obvious. Respect people’s needs for privacy. If someone does share their distress with you, don’t start sharing the details with others. Not only will people stop sharing their thoughts with you and you may earn the unfortunate reputation of being a gossip, but they may actually stop talking to other people in their support network if they come to feel that others can’t be trusted, leaving them in a worse situation than they were in before you decided to get involved.

The only occasions when you should consider breaking someone’s confidence is if you have good reason to believe that they are an immediate risk to either themselves or someone else. Otherwise, unless you have the consent of the person involved, keep it to yourself.

If you would like to talk about your mental health feel free to contact BroadMinds Therapy for help & advice. We offer a free consultation with no obligation to book further sessions. Call (+353) 0899420568, email help@broadmindstherapy.org , message us via this website, or visit our facebook page http://www.facebook.com/jpbroad for more information.

Finally, if you like what you read please like & share to help us reach & help as many people as possible.

Thanks for taking the time to read this article.