Togethering

If you are trying to adjust to the new norm, perhaps of juggling working from home while keeping one eye on the kids, or working side by side with your partner all day every day, then stress & tension at home may well be on the rise.

We’re used to periods of around 2 weeks, being in the company of our family over holidays & Christmas, etc, but by the end of those periods we’re usually looking forward to a return to routine life.

We are used to spending around 2 – 5 hours together with those at home each day. Suddenly that figure is around 15-16 hours, or 24 hours if you include sleep. It’s not surprising, then, that we may start getting under each other’s feet and if the ‘new norms’ we’ve become accustomed to, stick, as a new way of life, you may be feeling like tension is building with no prospect of relief.

Yip! This is a really tricky time for parents, partners & children.

Well, the art of problem solving is about being able to break the problem down so let’s give that a try – Dr Radha suggests a handy idea in terms of thinking about this in terms of the 5 C’s:

1. Care/Self-care: The first thing to recognise is that you are human, not superhuman. There are only 24 hours in the day & you need between a third & half of those for rest & relaxation. If you don’t look after yourself, you will be less able to support your family’s needs so self-care is vital. Self-Care can mean anything from eating properly & getting enough sleep to doing what you need to, to de-stress & recover, be it meditation, or a hobby that you find fulfilling. And don’t be afraid to try something new! The process of learning can be really therapeutic.

2. Control: What are you in control of & what aren’t you in control of?

For example, we can’t individually control how coronavirus spreads but we can take measures to limit our exposure to it by observing social distancing, personal hygiene, etc.

Self-educating has been a big stress point for parents recently: If you are trying to work and educate the kids at the same time, it may well be that you have to accept that doing both at the same time is just not feasible.

Relating this to what you can & can’t control: There are only 24 hours in a day – you have no control over that. But you do have control over what you do with the time you have. If your children are young, they will need a lot more care & attention which you will find difficult to provide adequately if you have one eye fixed on a spreadsheet while pressure builds as the number of unread emails in your inbox rises.

If you have a partner, communicate & share the load. It maybe that you can plan your workloads together and agree that your partner minds the children while you get through some agreed tasks and then you swap. Good communication, planning & organisation will be your friends, here.

Also, remember that education doesn’t have to be formal. Children can learn a lot from play & other activities, like cooking, for example. Consider making them part of the process of the household duties like preparing dinner or doing an online shop. Let them know the shopping budget, encourage them to add up the groceries as you shop, and they begin to learn that shopping isn’t simply a process of loading up the trolley with whatever you like. If you buy one item, it may mean you have to leave behind another. These are opportunities to learn great life-skills.

3. Continuity: This is about improving your awareness of your routine and recognising the good & bad habits. We need structure in our lives to avoid complete chaos. For example, we eat breakfast in the morning, lunch around the middle of the day, & dinner in the evening. But we may also have bad habits, like a glass of wine with dinner, or smoking after meals. Identifying what structure we need in our lives and the habits we have can help us to acquire a greater degree of control which will help lower our stress levels at a time when so much feels uncertain.

4. Creativity: What are your hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? What is it that you’ve had on your mind to try for a while but never got around to?

5. Compassion: Be kind to yourself & others. We are often our own worst critics and beat ourselves up more than anyone else ever could.

I would add a 6th ‘C’ the list:

6. Communicate with each other. This applies to the people at home & friends & family. With the folks at home try the following:

• Set clear & reasonable boundaries for each other & do not break them. As soon as you do, you undermine the very idea of a boundary; And then all boundaries seem much easier to break.

• Outline expectations of each other but keep them reasonable. If you know that a particular family member isn’t very good at a particular task, don’t expect them to suddenly become a world beater at it – You are simply setting them up to fail. For example, if you know your partner isn’t great at DIY, don’t watch Grand Designs and then expect them to refurb the house.

• Encourage each other to take personal responsibility. Don’t make other people a scapegoat for your issues or those you cause.

• Talk to each other & be prepared to listen. No one will stop to listen to you if you aren’t prepared to truly listen to them.

• If a difficult conversation needs to be had, don’t use blaming language like “You did… This is your fault!”. Instead, own your feelings, using statements like “When you do that, I feel …”.

• Set the example. If you communicate & behave well, others are more likely to follow suit. Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you liked what you read please ‘like ‘n’ share’ & help us to reach and help as many people as possible.

If you have any questions about this or any other mental health issue feel free to contact BroadMinds Therapy. Your questions & issues will be dealt with discretely, privately & will be completely confidential. Call 0899420568, email help@broadmindstherapy.org or message us via this page.

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Take Care. Stay Safe.