‘She’s gone but I can feel her presence. Sometimes I talk to her like she’s here. At other times I feel like she’s just popped out and half expect her to come back at any moment. And then I realise she won’t.. because she can’t. And then there are those fleeting moments when I think I see her out of the corner of my eye and for a split second I am so happy. I dream that this has all been a big misunderstanding and she isn’t gone after all… But then the reality of her loss crushes me once more. Just one more day.. I’d give anything for one more day.”
From previous posts this month on grief & bereavement I hope I’ve been able to relate to your grief as a very personal & unique experience. However, there are many common experiences that characterise the human experience of loss that don’t seem to fit with our regular experience of reality and it’s these that I point to in this article in the hope of helping you feel less alone in your grief.
Some of the common physical symptoms experienced are:
• Tightness in the chest
• Inhibited breathing – Breathing irregularities like sighing more than usual or feeling breathless are something you should get checked out with your Doctor. It can be a somatic response to your state of stress.
• Stomach pain & nausea
• Loss of appetite – It’s quite common for people to lose their appetite or comfort eat during times of high stress & anxiety, including periods of grief & loss. In the very short term, neither are likely to be too problematic but if this goes on for days then problems can start to emerge. Again, good use of your support network & consultation of your GP can be very useful.
• A hollow feeling in the stomach
• Weakness & fatigue
• Dry mouth & thirst
• A sense of depersonalisation – That little seems real or reality feeling like a fantasy.
• Disrupted Sleep – Finding it hard to get to sleep, staying asleep or frequent waking is a common problem when grieving but it can become problematic if it continues for an extended period of time. As you might expect, lack of good rest is likely to affect your cognitive abilities – decision making, memory, concentration, etc – and your moods which can make life difficult for you & those around you. You may also find yourself dreaming more, or having very vivid dreams. It’s important to remember that these are normal, common reactions to grief but if you are finding them particularly bothersome then there are things you can do to help:
- Speak to your G.P. They can check for any physiological causes & consider medicinal supports if necessary.
- Use your support network to talk things through. Consider professional support as part of your network.
- There are some great guided meditations online that help with relaxation and can improve the quality & quantity of your sleep.
• Hallucinations – It is also common to experience hallucinations during the grieving process, particularly during the weeks following loss. Some find this comforting but others find this disconcerting & confusing and can even cause people to question their sanity.
• Some feel hyperactive, restless and a constant need to be busy which is usually a coping strategy, an attempt at distraction from our emotional pain.
Common beliefs & behaviours associated with grief are as follows:
• Disbelief – This can manifest as shock or struggling to accept the reality of having lost someone we love, particularly if death is sudden & unexpected.
• Confusion occurs during grief when we struggle to make sense of the situation and our loss of confidence in our understanding extends to our wider experience of life.
• It’s very common for people to feel a sense of presence; The presence of the those lost. This often happens when we long for their company & companionship, and take comfort from the idea that they remain a presence in our lives in some way.
I would encourage anyone experiencing physical symptoms to follow these up with their G.P. The chances are that these are responses to the grief you are experiencing and there is nothing to worry about but it’s better to play it safe and make sure we don’t attribute something to grief when there is an underlying physiological problem.
• A lack of awareness or being absent minded – Although very common this can be problematic from the start because it can lead to accidents.
• Some feel compelled to withdraw from public & social life, feeling like they just can’t face others. I wouldn’t recommend forcing yourself to socialise during the initial period after losing someone close. It’s understandable that you may want some time to process what’s happened but try to maintain regular contact with few close friends or family members so you have support in place. This normally resides in time & you will hopefully find yourself ready for a social life once more but if you continue struggling with this after a few weeks, then it might be a good idea to seek out some professional support.
• Our tendency to yearn for those lost can lead to us calling out for or searching for those we have lost. Nothing to worry about in the short term but if this is persistent after a few weeks then, again, it’s something to talk through with your support network including professional support.
• Perhaps the most common behaviour during grief is crying. This is actually considered to be quite therapeutic and for some, a necessary part of the grieving process. If feeling very tearful persists for weeks on end it may well be an indicator of unresolved grief that needs some professional help to process.
• Attachment to objects relating to those lost is an experience many will recognise. Most people like some kind of momento of someone who was once close to them who has passed away. However, this can be an indicator of a deeper problem when people hoard items that were once connected to the deceased. For example, some people find it very difficult to part with or even clean the clothing, bed & bed sheets that once belonged to the deceased.
• Preoccupation happens when we experience an inability to think about much else other than the loved one we have lost. Perhaps including the circumstances of their passing, what happens to them after death, either in the physical world or in the afterlife.
Regardless of your experience of grief, I encourage you to keep talking. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t really worked out how you feel or what you think. It doesn’t matter if you say something that you later think sounds silly, naïve, or incorrect. Talking with people in your support network, family, friends, professionals, can help you process your thoughts & feelings and work out what you feel & think. It can help you work out how to move on. And to be clear, ‘moving on’ doesn’t have to mean leaving someone behind. It simply means working out how to carry on with life without them physically present.
For those who know someone bereaved there is often a temptation to avoid talking about the loss for fear of upsetting the bereaved person. You may fear saying the wrong thing or finding that you simply don’t know what to say. I suggest that it’s less about what you say and more about what you do that will make the real difference. If we simply acknowledge the death & let the bereaved know that we are there to support them if needed, our efforts & sentiments will go a long way.
If people don’t want to talk about it, that’s OK & they will let us know quite quickly. But if they know we are there for them when they do need us, at least we have opened up a channel for them when they’re ready to talk.
If you’d like to talk about this or anything for else feel free to give me a call on 0899420568, email help@broadmindstherapy.org, or message me directly via this page. Your message will be handled discretely, and treated as private & confidential.
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