Holding On

One of the most distressing experiences we may endure in life is that of losing someone close to us.

We become ‘attached’ to the people in life that we love and the loss of their presence to us kick starts a distressing process of ‘detachment’ that we commonly call Bereavement & Grief.

We are used to circumstances in life that pose problems, problems that we can at least attempt to resolve. But death presents a problem that we can’t resolve. We can’t bring people back, and accepting that they’re no longer present in our lives is something that may feel too much to cope with.

For many, the very idea of ‘detachment’ is resisted when we feel so compelled to remain ‘attached’, to cling to the memory of those we’ve lost in the hope of maintaining a connection. It is no surprise then that grief & bereavement can be such a traumatic experience for us.

Throughout March we are exploring some of the typical indicators of grief. It’s not intended as a checklist of symptoms or something against which you can measure your grief reaction. It is simply a list of common experiences when grieving. I simply hope that if you’re grieving and take the time to read this, some crumb of comfort may be gained in learning that you are not alone in your experience, and a conversation may be opened about what is, for many, a misunderstood or taboo subject.

Here are some of the feelings we might experience when grieving:

• Anxiety – This might be experienced as a fear that you may die too, questions about how you may cope without the person lost, or of a general loss of control.

• Anger – This is sometimes directed at the person who has died for having left them, or perhaps directed at someone or something else, becoming something on which we can act out our feelings.

• Guilt – We can experience guilt in many ways. Ways that spring to mind in my work as a therapist have been when mothers have miscarried or lost a baby shortly after birth. It’s not uncommon in such circumstances for parents to blame themselves, feeling that they have in some way contributed to the death despite there being little they could have done to avoid it.

• Shock – This is often experienced when death is sudden or unexpected and can include feelings like numbness. It’s thought to be a process that actually serves to protect us, providing a kind of automatic protocol or trip switch which allows us to respond to sudden & unexpected change by insulating us from overwhelm.

• Sadness – Probably the feeling most associated with grief but it’s also one that we often deny.. me included. On the day my father died a plumber visited the house and politely asked how my day had been. I replied ”Fine, thank you” despite my father having died less than 4 hours previously!

• Loneliness – Friends & family are more than just the people we feel most attached to in life. They actually fill the space & time we have in our lives and when they are gone we become aware of the space & time left by their passing. The experience of that can leave us feeling very alone in all that extra space & time.

• Fatigue – Another feeling that can affect our grieving process is one of overwhelming physical & mental tiredness. This can make it very difficult to perform even the most basic of tasks that make up our daily routine. Frustratingly, this can occur at the very time when some feel like they just need to try to get on with things.

• Yearning – A feeling of a need to be with the one we have lost and can exacerbate our pain of having lost someone as the realization takes hold that those we have lost cannot return to us.

• Relief – An experience that can leave us feeling conflicted about the death of a loved one. For example, when a loved one experiences a slow death in which they suffer distress or indignity we may wish for death to come for them to ease their suffering. When it comes it can be accompanied with a feeling of relief that their suffering has ended but can also leave us feeling confused.

We are used to the idea that grief is characterised by sadness & pain so when we feel relief we may question what’s behind those feelings. Needless to say that relief is a common experience & doesn’t necessarily indicate that you loved the deceased any less. It can simply indicate that you desired an end to the pain & suffering.

• Freedom – In a similar way to relief, feelings of freedom can follow the death of a loved one. It may occur when a loved one passes away after a period of needing our care. Also, if they have suffered over a period preceding their death, our experience of witnessing their pain can cause us great distress and we may feel free of the worst of that pain when they pass away. It can give rise to the same sort of conflicted feelings described above with feelings of relief.

In my next post I’ll discuss more common experiences when grieving which I hope you’ll find useful. If you’d like to talk about this or anything for else for that matter, feel free to give me a call on 0899420568, email help@broadmindstherapy.org, or message me directly via this page.

Your message will be handled discretely, and treated as private & confidential.

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