Sex And Relationships

Let’s have a grown up discussion about sex & relationships.

If you’ve been following my posts you’ll know by now that I like to start out by managing expectations. In this case, I’d like to manage those in two ways.

Firstly, this post isn’t intended as a thorough guide to sex & relationships. More so, something to offer a few insights into a greater understanding.

Secondly, it’s important to manage your expectations when it comes to sex. Everywhere we turn we are bombarded with sexual imagery and messages that do a great job of tantalising us, perhaps managing to open our minds while at the same time often confusing us. Some of what would have been classified as sexual deviancy 50 years ago is now becoming more & more accepted in our society – Homosexuality is a great example of that. This is a great example of how changes in attitudes over time can lead to a lack of understanding among sections of society about rights & wrongs in sexual practices: People are often subject to differences in education & attitudes throughout their life.

You don’t need me to tell you that for some people sex can be a difficult, embarrassing subject. For others it feels like something to be ashamed about, and it’s no wonder. Society does it’s best to confuse us all by giving us conflicting information on what we should and could be, telling us that we should be modest & private while bombarding us with titillating images & stories.

In the age of information there is so much disinformation out there that confusion & misunderstanding reigns supreme. The facts are that around one fifth of all couples are completely sexless and nine out of ten couples think that there’s room for improvement in their sex lives.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being sexless. If both individuals are happy with that arrangement then there’s no reason why that can’t work for you & that’s nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. But I invite you to ask yourself: “When was the last time my partner & I talked about our sex life?”

When we do talk about it, it’s more often than not through the guise of humour because it can be a difficult conversation to have. Or, we wait until dissatisfaction leads to frustration and choose to speak at the very moment that communication is starting to breakdown. It doesn’t have to be that way so let’s start the conversation here.

When sexual relations aren’t satisfactory for the individuals concerned there can be many factors involved.

1. Physical Health: People change physically as they age and they change at different rates and in different ways. Puberty is a great example of this – we didn’t all start sprouting hairs & bumps at the same time. For some of us it was a quick, smooth transition, while for others it took longer, and may have been more troublesome.

Change doesn’t stop when we hit adulthood. As we age all sorts of things happen as we move through life and this can influence that process. It is very likely that appetites, tastes, and abilities will change over time. Factors like genetics, illness, life experience & lifestyle can have a great impact on how you are able to physically & psychologically function as you age. We need to consider this as we age together & adjust our expectations accordingly or frustration will creep in.

Similarly, we should develop a greater awareness of how our partners needs differ from our own & play our part in helping them to deal with them. Common issues like impotence, vaginismus, operations like hip replacements, can all effect what we are capable of. But they are not insurmountable problems.

So how do we overcome them? Well, there’s a lot of help available – So here are my tips:

First of all, if you’re struggling in some way, a good first step is to talk to your partner. They will find it very difficult to understand your situation if they aren’t fully aware of your struggle & they will be shooting in the dark if you don’t tell them what you are finding troublesome. Worse still, they can end up blaming themselves for your issues, which in most cases isn’t fair and can in turn affect their experience & capabilities.

Second, talk to your Doctor. There are often medical interventions that can help & sex therapists can also help you identify ways of having a fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner.

Third, there is a lot of literature & information available on the subject. Feel free to indulge in that although be careful what you read. Some of it is misleading, some of it has the potential to create unrealistic expectations, and some of it is just plain dangerous. But there is also some good material out there that is very informative & can create a deeper understanding of your own sexuality as well as your partners. As a general rule of thumb I’d say:

1. Don’t listen too much to anything you can buy off the magazine rack in the newsagents; Don’t believe everything you read on social media (Ahem!). By all means read them if that’s your thing but keep an open mind and don’t build your expectations on the back of your reading of these materials.

2. Don’t be lulled into to comparing yourself with the unlikely stories of friends who report swinging from the light fitting by their ankles while their other half leaps from the top of the wardrobe in a superhero outfit; And, if you feel like you really don’t know what to believe.. get in touch with a therapist who can guide you through all the disinformation.

3. Psychological Health: If I had a Euro for every time I’ve heard someone say ‘healthy body, healthy mind’ I wouldn’t need to work for a living; And yet so many take their mental health for granted. They’ll go get a nice haircut, nails done or massage to iron out those aches & pains but how many of us think about maintaining our mental health in the same way?

When we don’t, not only does our mental health suffer but so does our physical health. For example, if we don’t deal with our stress & anxiety levels, issues like impotence & vaginismus may become more likely. What’s more, imagine what trying to manage a sex life with a demanding partner can be like for someone who has a history of sexual trauma such as being a rape victim. We need to maintain our mental health if we want good physical health.

If we don’t look after our minds we could be storing up trouble for the future so open your mind on what ‘looking after yourself’ means.

So, how do we deal with this? Have a mental health plan. It doesn’t have to involve great expense and it can often be quite simple if we practice regular maintenance. Think of it like servicing your car: If you get it done regularly you reduce your chances of a break down.

Top tips for this then:

Firstly: Talk & listen. Talk to your partner, talk to your friends, talk to a professional.

Talking to your partner – Own your sexual problems, don’t blame your partner for them. That doesn’t mean you have to solve them alone or that you’re to blame for them, but there is a difference between blame & responsibility. If you want to resolve your issues then you have to take responsibility for them. Your partner cannot do it for you. For example, if you’ve been faking it for the last 10 years, it’s not your partners fault if you’ve never told them that you’re not satisfied with your sex life. How are they supposed to know what they need to do to improve things with you if you never open up the discussion & be honest with them? And notice I say “improve things with you” and not “for you”. You both have to commit to the process of change.

Talk to your friends – The stats tell us that 90% of couples think there’s room for improvement in their sex lives so I suspect that a fair number of them will welcome a discussion on the subject. You don’t necessarily have to talk to your friends about the intimate details of your sex life. In fact your partner probably won’t appreciate it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about sex more generally with them. Humour is fine because it can help you relax & break down barriers, but you’ll also benefit from a mature discussion so there’s a balance to be struck between the two.

Talk to a professional – Talking with your Doctor about your issues can be a great step forward. I know some of you will find it embarrassing but if you can break through that barrier, the potential rewards are great. Just imagine what a difference a fulfilling sex life will make for you, your partner & your relationship. It’s time we restored that spring in your step!

Overtime, build a picture of who it feels good to talk to. Who is in your support network? List them out & literally grade them. If talking to your best friend about sex leaves you feeling inadequate or low in some way, choose someone else to have that particular discussion with. Try to focus on having those discussions with people who have something positive to offer and avoid these discussions with those who leave you feeling negative in some way.

Addressing Myths with Facts:

As said before, the balance of disinformation & facts as well as the way in which information is distributed have left us with a confusing picture which has helped energise the proliferation of myths, both old & new, which masquerade as facts. So, looking at some of these myths should help when managing expectations.

Ladies First Then:

1. To be sexy a woman should be young & physically beautiful. So much of what we see on TV, film & the internet seems to support this idea but research shows that sexiness has very little to do with physical appearance & age. Appearance does play a role in our initial attraction. However, a cold and unpleasant personality or attitude will soon overrule those feelings. Furthermore, different physical characteristics will appeal to different people and there is no known formula that will appeal to all potential partners. Whatever your size, shape & age, your personality & attitude is what will eventually influence & maintain the sexual attraction of your partner.

2. Older women can be sexy if they are physically beautiful. This is another form of the myth above. In the later part of the 20th century the media started drawing our attention to certain women in their 50’s & 60’s, labelling them as ‘sexy’. However, these women were largely glamorous & youthful in appearance for their age. It appeals to the above myth, that youth & beauty are the key to being sexy. Contrary to this populist, celebritisation of sexuality, what we actually know is that many women enjoy their sexual relations well into their later lives, with things improving as they grow in experience & maturity.

3. No sex before marriage makes for the right girl. An old myth that dates back long before we were all around and still persists for some, to this day. The problem is that we accept that women have sexual feelings just as men do and yet men tend not to be shackled by the same cultural beliefs. This can also have an impact on sexual relations in later life. Women who have adhered to this myth may feel like they don’t know what they like because they’ve never had a chance to explore & experiment while women who haven’t adhered to this idea may develop associated feelings of guilt or shame which can have conseqences for their self-esteem & confidence. Added to this myth is the extension that a female who has practised abstinence is supposed to suddenly be sexually awakened after marriage and be highly sexual from that point on. It’s nothing short of a ludicrous socially imposed idea of what womanhood should look like rather than an acceptance of what it actually is.

4. A woman should have at least one orgasm and the more the better. The wider public recognition & understanding that woman actually have orgasms is actually fairly new to western culture and the discovery in the latter half of the 20th century that women can have multiple orgasms has lead to an unrealistic expectation that this is what should be expected all or most of the time. The problem is that this idea rests on the myth that people need to reach orgasm to find sex enjoyable. We know that this just isn’t the case. People, both men & women, can & do enjoy sexual fulfillment, sometimes without reaching orgasm.

Up next, myths for men:

1. Men are always thinking about & ready for sex. The idea is that men not only have an insatiable libido but are preoccupied by the indiscriminate fulfilment of their appetite & drives, even to the extent that this is a measure of their masculinity. The problem is that men have different appetites and drives & their influence on male behaviour varies greatly. These will also change over time as men age as well as in reaction to environmental factors & life circumstances. Trust me, if this were true, I would never get any work done!

2. A ‘real’ man knows how to please a woman. It’s only when you start to realise & understand the variety of preferences & needs of women that it really starts to hit home how ridiculous this idea is. Human diversity makes it impossible to know what everyone’s specific likes & dislikes are and to expect men to instinctively know this is to set yourself & your partner up for disappointment.

3. ‘Real’ men control their feelings & are emotionally & physically tough. An old but persistent myth that undermines the emotional vulnerability of men. It’s effects are felt from early youth when boys are told that they should be tough & holds that men are able to suppress their feelings in order to dominate their environment. It creates an unrealistic expectation of men and will create more failure than success – not all men can dominate their environment as alpha males. It’s numerically impossible and yet, this myth persists.

4. The emotionally literate ‘new’ man is better than the ‘real’ man outlined above. This is just another socially imposed vision of what being a man should look like. It denies men their intrinsic nature, their ability to be who they really are and instead conform to what others think they should be. Accepting these societal standards is a recipe for personal distress.

5. A big penis is better than a small one. This is a popularised myth, given credence by jokes, urban myths, TV & film, and also the porn industry which creates unrealistic expectations of both men & women. It also perpetuates the myth that sex is all about penetration. The sole focus on penetration in a sexual relationship is likely to result in disappointment no matter what the size of the penis. Research also indicates that there are just as many women that prefer larger penises as there are those preferring smaller ones. At the end of the day, penis size is no substitute for imagination, time, care & love expressed in sexual relations.

The take-away message is that society does us a terrible disservice telling us what we should & shouldn’t be, and how we should behave all the time. But the key to better sexual relations is to be accepting of who & what we truly are, accepting our needs and desires as well as accepting those of our partner. Open & honest communication will help develop greater understanding between partners and increase the potential for greater satisfaction.

In the meantime, as always, you can message me via this page with any questions you have, call 0899420568 or email help@broadmindstherapy.org Your questions and enquiries will be dealt with discretely, privately & confidentially. Visit BroadMinds | Facebook to view our regular updates & Vlogs.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read this article.

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