Communication Fails

Let’s talk a little about the most common relationship problem of all: Communication.

A staggering 65% of divorcing couples cite communication problems as the primary cause for the breakdown of their relationship. So what are the pitfalls here & how do we avoid them:

1. Failure to communicate at all: Some couples literally just don’t talk at all about their problems. This might be because one or both individuals avoid talking about problems altogether or draw red lines around topics they simply won’t discuss. For example, some couples find it difficult to talk to each other about sex so they just avoid the subject. This includes:

• Not truly listening to your partner.

• Avoiding difficult conversations.

The key here is to understand why certain things can’t be talked about. Where these red-lines exist, there is likely some kind of defence mechanism: The individual doesn’t have to confront their feelings or anxieties if they deny the problem exists or refuse to approach it. These issues aren’t easily resolved and may need professional help to penetrate the defences which are in place to protect the individual concerned. However, often the problem here is that if the individual won’t admit there’s a problem how do you get them to seek professional help..?

2. Poor quality communication: This takes several forms including:

• Talking without really saying anything: Individuals talk about anything & everything but the things that matter. This may be similar to the above situation in which the communication style is a defence mechanism but it may also reflect a lack of awareness of an individuals’ own & relationship needs.

• Conflict & confrontation: When this happens communication is either breaking down or has already broken down. Conflict & confrontation are not necessarily bad – they can communicate our frustration & irritation but things can break down quite quickly if we’re not careful.

When we communicate in this way, the defence mechanisms of all parties involved are raised and little of any message gets through. Our ability receive & transmit messages is severely hampered and the decisions we make in response to those messages are also inhibited. In short, we communicate better & make better decisions when we are calm. The old adage about taking a step back, taking a few deep breaths & counting to ten can really help with this.

• It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it: Quite often the message we’re trying to get across is full of good intention but the way we say it means we simply rub our partner up the wrong way. It can be the difference between: “I’m not in a good mood today. Probably best if you just leave me be” and “F*** off!”.

• Assuming you know the message before your partner finishes: It seems like a good strategy to win an argument but actually it can mean that you miss the actual message being communicated; And, if your focus is on competition when it comes to arguments, you may win the argument but the relationship may lose.

• Interrupting the speaker: It’s not only considered rude but it undermines your chances of being heard, yourself. After all, why should your partner patiently hear you out if you won’t offer them the same opportunity?

• Using ‘You’ statements rather than ‘I’: This often happens when we blame others for how we feel. For example: “You made me feel this way” instead of “When you do that, I feel terrible”.

• Reacting emotionally: When we do this we often say things we don’t mean which is another way of saying that we have communicated something we didn’t mean to communicate. It’s hard to see how any message can be received accurately if it is not communicated accurately.

• Being subtle or indirect often results in the message not getting through.

• Calling people names or insulting them. As you can imagine, the second you do this you likely activate the defence mechanism in your partner and that will only make communication harder. Sometimes therapists call communication ‘transactions’- A term for an exchange of messages between people.

There are a few simple models that I can briefly explain to you that can help you communicate a little better. I’ll cut through all the theory & jargon & summarise this in 2 diagrams and a brief explanation.

1. In the first diagram you see 2 columns of circled letters, P, A, & C. These stand for parent, adult & child. When we communicate we talk from one of these positions, or states of mind. When we communicate in a complimentary way, communication is usually good. For example, if I address you adult-to-adult and you do the same in return, the chances of successful communication are improved.

2. In the second diagram the communication styles are crossed. For example if I politely enquire as to how you are today and you impatiently tell me to mind my own business, effective communication is more likely to break down.

So if we use this simple model to think about how talk to each other we can learn to communicate more effectively. Now, of course, it’s easier said than done & there are many other tricks we can use to communicate better but you’ve been reading long enough if you’re not already asleep so I’ll leave you be for now before you do drop off.

If you would like to discuss these or any other issues further you can message me via this page, call 0899420568 or email help@broadmindstherapy.org